Mumps?

Well took my sick little man to the doctor and he is now in Quarantine til we get back the result of his Mumps swab! 3 days til we know. How does anyone get mumps these days? Not a happy mummy right now!

Distractions to study

Corrospondence Study is great when you have little ones at home, but sometimes it can be difficult lol

New Direction

Well its been a long long time and so much in my life has changed since my last entry, so in reflection to this its a time for change on here too. memrax the business is now on the back burner while I complete my Diploma in Comminity Services. the kids are back at mainstream school and Hubb's music has also been put ion the back burner now he is working a regular job.
Are the changes positive? financially yes.....but I feel we have lost our idealism and are bowing down to a society which I think is mislead in its ideal, but as much as my hippy side hates to say it.....money is good!

love a self loathing hippy wanna be lol

The fog is clearing

Yay after 7 days my zombie like state seems to have dulled. My thoughts seem much clearer and I haven't been drifting off to la la land. Motivation is still very low and still feeling extremely tired, but a heap better then I was!
Thinking about some more craft ideas and things I would like to make for Memrax.

Here's to getting better

Cheers x

Officially a teenager

13 years ago today at 8.29 am I, a scared 17 year old, welcomed my little baby into the world. My mum and dad were with me and after a 9 1/2 hour labour I was exhausted.

Today my beautiful girl is turning 13 and what a journey it has been. I am so proud of the sweet natured, attractive young lady she is becoming, despite the challenges she has already had to face ( too many) in her short life.

As I look at my 9 month old it seems incredible that she was ever that young, as I watch him getting closer to taking his first steps, I remember all the first I share with my lil Miss.

First smile, first laugh, first roll, crawl, time sitting up, tooth. First word ( bub), her first time seeing her little sister and brothers, her first preschool boyfriend and her first day at school. So many precious memories to hold onto as she grows and her new lot of firsts become her own.

I hope I have raised her with moral integrity, I hope she thrives in what ever paths she chooses to persue. I hope she looks back on ( most) her her childhood with fondness and has good memories of Mum.

But most of all I hope she finds true happiness in what ever shape it is for her.

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl xxx

Set back

I have been a bit quiet as I had a set back, a complete break down to be completely honest. I did the unthinkable for me, and slapped my husband across the face. I went into shock straight afterwards at the strength of my own anger. Thankfully my husband forgave me and although things are strained between us. We are trying to work things out.
Violence is not ever acceptable and the shame I feel is very deep.

So I have organized counseling (had my first session over the phone the next morning) and seen my doctor for some medicinal treatment as well.

Today is day six on meds, and the first day that I don't feel like a complete zombie. I have been sleeping a heap, but am still feeling really tired. I had a massive cry last night when hubby went out for the third night in a row. I know he is just chatting and drinking coffee with his friend, but I hate it. I want adult interaction, it's me who carries the whole load with the kids and never gets a reprieve.

There is a very immature part of me that wants to pay him back, by doing the same thing to him, but you need to know people to do that. And then a more logical part of me says, why is the immature it's just taking care of your own mental health and needs like he is. It would be interesting to see how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot.

In happier news I have officially been a mum for 13 years today, but I will do a separate post for that xx

3rd birthday fun

Well today my little man is turning 3! I can't believe how fast it's gone.

This time 3 years ago I was discussing syntocin with my midwife as my labour was failing to establish itself after a membrane rupture. I was excited and scared and had soo many thoughts running through my head. How would I cope with 4 children? How would the big kids cope with having a baby in the house?

But today I am enjoying the peace and quiet of lil man being at Granny's following his first ever sleep over with her. Checking my brother in laws Facebook statuses to make sure things are running smoothly and greatly relieved that the cake turned out ok, and doesn't look half bad with my meager cake decorating skills. It was a worry since my kids birthday cakes book has already been packed for the move, but I googled train cake images and got my creative groove on.
Soo happy it turned out so well!

First taste of chocolate..... Om nom nom

First Easter for our littlest monster.....his bib was a Memrax original design cross stitch patch personalized bib. Didn't look so pretty after the chocolate feast Lol

Early morning thoughts

Over the last few hours I have been asking myself some very important questions.
1. Why do I want to change? What is my motivation?
2. Who do I want to be at the end of this journey?
3. How did I get here?

The answers..........

I want to change because I can't keep going like this, I am so unhappy all the time. The unhappiness manifests itself in anger, which builds and builds, til I explode verbally, usually at my husband.
It's not right, it's not fair on anyone, including myself.

At the end of this journey....when I am better ( seems like an unattainable goal at the moment) I want to be independent, in a interdependent relationship rather then a co dependent one, and to regain a sense of self worth and self confidence.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I realized I was unhappy, but didn't know why. If you have read my short story, you will know how my relationship has changed with my husband, despite me desperately wanting things to stay as they were when we were first together. An obviously unrealistic wish, which really stems from the fact that, that time is my life is the only time when I had ever felt completely loved, accepted and supported in my life. But in reality it was a facade and finally I have removed my rose coloured glasses.
So I am left lost, having no faith in my relationship, and with the knowledge that I have way to many issues to sort through then what my poor brain can handle with out help.

Oh how I miss being oblivious to the bullshit and happy in my self contained little world........Thanks Mark, seeing the world as it really is has made my life so much better.....not. The statement that ignorance is bliss is very apt.

I am not convinced anymore that the interdependent relationship will be with my husband, I hope it will be, but I don't know if I can be happy with a person whose passion ( music) is sooo strong that at times is wife and children are a secondary consideration.

I do feel sorry for the guy. After a very crappy and sordid life, he finally pulled himself together and got to a point where he feels stable enough in his life to persue his passion, but that passion is causing the stability to crumble. But as he is now focussing on his own dreams and passion I must start trying to find mine. I am sick of pathetically waiting at home with the kids for some attention and transport.

Life is what you make it, and I want mine to be happy.....so I have to find a way to make it that way.

Easter Friday

Well I got up with the littlest one this morning Miss E, took over a sent me back to bed (a common occurrence these days which is lovely). I actually slept into 9 am!

When I awoke, bubs was playing happily, the lil tyke was playing trains and the 3 older monsters were sitting down practicing their times tables!

I reminded them it was Good Friday and that they didn't need to do any school work today and they complained! And asked if they could atleast finish their times tables!

Makes me feel like I must be doing something right! Love to hear that my children want to learn!

Home school Fun

One of the questions you ask yourself as a home schooling parent is what do you want to impart on your children, in knowledge, in values and in beliefs.

Impart my solution has come from my own childhood. As I sit here typing I am listening to my kids read The Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. One of the books that inspired my love of the written word, part of the series that led to me exploring the concept of spirituality and developing my own belief system.

It's so nice to see them engrossed in a book that I adored as a child and that inspired me to discover more of the world around me.

Short story

Alone in the dark, she cried quietly wondering when her life had hit rock bottom, and how she did not notice the downward spiral.
Not a stranger to the dark relentless abyss of depression, she wondered how it could of been avoided, and realized it couldn't.

She had invested so much of herself into him, that she lost herself. Always ensuring his happiness, letting him have the money for the things he wanted, while she and the children endured on barely having their needs met.

Already a selfish person, the cancer made Him more so. His needs and wants, his obsessions came first, to keep is focus of his pain, his mortality. When she tried to lean on him for support, he broke and went off on an adventure of his next obsession.

She tried to smile, tried to get on with it, but underneath she knew something was now fundamentally broken. Her trust in him was diminished, her faith that he would always be there for her evaporated.

He noticed and tried too do things differently, tried to start meeting the needs of his family, pushing past his pain and starting a business. Never had he put so much effort into a relationship before and he felt his efforts went unoticed.

She did notice, but had lost all rationality, all she saw was him walking out the door and trying to escape his responsibilities, and leaving her alone trying to raise the children from the dark abyss.

Their relationship became a cycle of pain and anger, unable to resolve their differences as they were so far apart. The only thing that remained was the knowledge that they loved each other, and their compatibility in bed. But was it enough to hold the relationship together? At least until she could start to find some way to heal?

After another night of relentless fighting, there was finally a sense of some resolution. Some understanding of where the other was coming from, a hope that just maybe they could work through the chasm that had developed between them, if she could let go.......

Let go of the ideals, her fundamental belief, although unrealistic, belief in how her relationship should be, and accept it for what it was, except that he was giving her he was capable of.

Progress

So a few days in changes and my husband is much happier, he also has barely been home. Just quietly my self esteem is taking a massive battering.

On the business front my two Easter orders went off this morning and I am thinking of putting Memrax on the back burner for awhile and get this pig sty of a house sorted and packed up in preparation for the big move.

Home schooling has been lax this week in my opinion, don't get me wrong they have done work, but with all the dramas between Hubby and I, it's been slow progress :( Which then in turn hits my self esteem again.

I would love to be a much more confident person, I hope that's where this journey will lead me....

Memrax order

Finally got my order all finished and stuffed, this lil man is off to be the first Easter present of a beautiful lil boy.

Time for growth

With time, comes change, and with change comes growth.

Have you ever found yourself lost? Not physically but emotionally. So caught up in your roles that you forget who YOU are?
Well that's were this Mum of five has found herself. The honeymoon period of my marriage has been over for quite a long time and I haven't been willing to admit it. Thinking that we could re- capture that bond, that feeling of us against the world.....
There really is no point fighting change, it just leaves you unhappy and mourning how things used to be.

So now I begin my journey, focusing first on recapturing my essence and ofcourse on my five monsters. Everything else, including my business must come second, til I feel whole again.