Early morning thoughts

Over the last few hours I have been asking myself some very important questions.
1. Why do I want to change? What is my motivation?
2. Who do I want to be at the end of this journey?
3. How did I get here?

The answers..........

I want to change because I can't keep going like this, I am so unhappy all the time. The unhappiness manifests itself in anger, which builds and builds, til I explode verbally, usually at my husband.
It's not right, it's not fair on anyone, including myself.

At the end of this journey....when I am better ( seems like an unattainable goal at the moment) I want to be independent, in a interdependent relationship rather then a co dependent one, and to regain a sense of self worth and self confidence.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I realized I was unhappy, but didn't know why. If you have read my short story, you will know how my relationship has changed with my husband, despite me desperately wanting things to stay as they were when we were first together. An obviously unrealistic wish, which really stems from the fact that, that time is my life is the only time when I had ever felt completely loved, accepted and supported in my life. But in reality it was a facade and finally I have removed my rose coloured glasses.
So I am left lost, having no faith in my relationship, and with the knowledge that I have way to many issues to sort through then what my poor brain can handle with out help.

Oh how I miss being oblivious to the bullshit and happy in my self contained little world........Thanks Mark, seeing the world as it really is has made my life so much better.....not. The statement that ignorance is bliss is very apt.

I am not convinced anymore that the interdependent relationship will be with my husband, I hope it will be, but I don't know if I can be happy with a person whose passion ( music) is sooo strong that at times is wife and children are a secondary consideration.

I do feel sorry for the guy. After a very crappy and sordid life, he finally pulled himself together and got to a point where he feels stable enough in his life to persue his passion, but that passion is causing the stability to crumble. But as he is now focussing on his own dreams and passion I must start trying to find mine. I am sick of pathetically waiting at home with the kids for some attention and transport.

Life is what you make it, and I want mine to be happy.....so I have to find a way to make it that way.